how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
