I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
