I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
