Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
