I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
