my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
