my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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