Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
