I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
We need to get me chipped asap
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
