I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I looked at my own cervix.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
