you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You took a bar mat shot.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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