she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
