He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
