2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
