I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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