He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
