I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
We smell like vodka and hangover
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