The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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