If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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