Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
