Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
