Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
