Kareoke will never be a sober sport
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
