Life is so much better after having sex.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
