I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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