Taylor Swift is so right about you.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Randomize
