I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
