I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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