i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I skipped work to stalk him.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
