fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
