My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
