Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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