Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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