My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
