What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
