I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
