My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
