He uses pillows to masturbate.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
