You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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