And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
