i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
