I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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