My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
my vag is so smooth its legendary
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
