He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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