then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
