Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
