If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
