My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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