i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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