oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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