just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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