Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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