Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
